Relationships between couples can sour or become toxic for many reasons. And unfortunately toxicity is preventable but rarely ever curable.
At a fundamental level I believe a healthy relationship is one where you each practice and perfect the art of pleasing the other. A toxic one is where one or both of you derive satisfaction from seeing the other suffer. Because when your partner wants you to suffer, then if you do your part in wanting to please your partner, you must then allow yourself to suffer so they are pleased with themselves. But this is horribly toxic because the very thing you are supposed to do for a good relationship is the same thing that is damaging it.
I think the best way to prevent yourself from getting into a relationship with someone like this is to force yourselves to have conversations on subjects you have vehement disagreements on. Maybe even play house and go out to do pretend-house-shopping. Do this during the courting season in your relationship. When you’ve been dating long enough to then be asking each other if marriage is the next step, be sure to put yourself through this. Ideally you will witness in your partner an openness to your views and you will have the same openness to his. If you are both made of equally softened clay, you will be able to grow together as a couple. If one is stone and the other is soft as butter, the stone will never change shape, trust me.
If it is too late and you’re already married with children, you’ll want to make yourself aware of the manipulation games they are playing and not participate. Instead of responding, stay silent and let their foul statements echo in their own head. When you get around to responding, be sure to not be retaliatory. That’s exactly what they want; to use your response as a source of energy and empower the toxicity they want to bring to the relationship. So instead, you need to remain unaffected and not allow yourself to get involved in their own emotional turmoil. “Misery loves company” the saying goes. So if your partner has a poison in their soul, they will do everything they can go contaminate you with it. This is all subconscious and fundamentally something they can only solve through their own spiritual discipline. You can’t fix it, but you must at least not feed into it.
So like a pond that doesn’t show a lump when a stone is dropped in it. You need to let your soul be fluid, move out of the way and let the ripples gracefully play themselves out and fade to nothingness.
Yes, this individual will be a great challenge to you, but you’ll grow immensely because of it. If you don’t have kids, however, it’s worthwhile considering getting out of such a relationship. And if you enjoy the suffering, then you’ve become toxic to your own self and that might be why you’ve brought someone like this into your life.
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