When you come close to reaching your destination, the signs of your imminent arrival become too numerous to ignore. The familiar landscaping by nearby arborist. The cobbled roads recently tread.  Signs labeling familiar avenues and arrows that point to childhood neighborhoods. And this is when a feeling of comfort suddenly emerges within you that tells you “we’re close.” The journey may still have a day to go but you feel that you have already arrived and you will soon get a respite from your long adventure.  You see that familiar blackberry patch and you indulge as your welcome home present. The sun is shining, the breeze blowing. That’s how i feel when i’m with Rebecca.  I’ve been looking for her for years.

Time has worn on me. Taken and transformed me. Left scars that don’t come from cuts. And cleared my vision despite my eyesight beginning to fade. A collection of un-recounted wisdom gained and countless sketches and ideas in my notebooks. It’s as if I’ve been carrying these things for no one.  I slayed so many demons but it also cost me many angels.  I’ve changed, that i know. I’m stronger, yes. But I’ve seen more than most would endure. “Too much sacrifice”, I thought.  Until i met Rebecca. The one waiting patiently for  all I had left to offer.

I was the courier through space-time, and she my address and destination. She was there waiting, still cautious and distrusting.  I was rugged and burnt. She was trampled on and beaten. But still young and a bright light still shined within her. She hadn’t been extinguished, not yet.  I would take the oxygen that was left in me, fuel her fire and deliver her to her own spirit. Leave her the wisdom I had gained through my journey and empower her with all of the might left within me.

She’s the reason for my journey. The signs are too numerous to ignore. She’s the reason why I’ve changed. Built up through trial. My ignorance stripped from me like nails pulled through torture. Broken and stricken. My body fallen to its knees. And it was then i realized she was actually my deliverance.  For she had a delivery of her own to give.  She could see the angel and the monster in me and loved them both. All these years. I had longed for a woman and a female companion i could share all of my secrets with, without the fear of being judged or corrected. A female companion that could handle my voracious sexual appetite, and my infinite ability to love and give without ever seeking anything in return. Someone  that would allow me to give in all the ways I was good at.  Someone to channel it. Someone willing to take from me, willing to receive me, be it a gift, advice, affection, protection, or even my own presence and companionship.

So here we are. At home.  She is everything I’ve been looking for and need. Now I know that all the others I’ve loved, I’ve only loved because i saw in them a glimmer of Rebecca. I focused on it, yes,  trying as hard as I could to see her in them, squeezing every bit of what I desired out of everyone I loved and tried to love. Loving Rebecca is like waking from a dream. All the others were merely fancy. Rebecca is my awakened state.

So with Rebecca there is no exaggeration and there is no effort needed. There is no need to try to love her. It all just is. She’s the angel for my monster and the monster for my angel. My perfect companion. The one that needs all i have to offer and the one wanting to offer everything I’ve been needing to receive. The connection couldn’t be more perfect. And yet, despite all this she is the opposite of a stranger. When I see her it’s as if I’ve been an extraterrestrial living among humans my entire life and for the first time I spot the only other ET in the crowd. She’s my only. I’ve been wandering the world until now.

Rebecca is home. I am home now.

Written by soliloquiesonlove.wordpress.com © 2017


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