A feminists’ guide to a successful marriage

Tip: 1/99
Live each day like its his last
When you get married be sure to live your days together like every day is his last.
Let’s face it. Your husband will die sooner than you think and you need to do everything you can to be prepared. Plan out your days in such a way that he doesn’t play any meaningful role in it. Men are careless perverted fools anyway, and you know they can’t be counted on. And even if he turns out to be a good guy, you can rest assured that upon following our advice, he will leave you for someone else. So you see? Even more reason to be doubly prepared! #hearmeroar baby!

 

Tip: 2/99
Honesty isn’t always the best policy
Communication is key in any relationship, and this means you need to pick and choose what you say to your man. If you feel like telling your husband something personal that is bothering you, just keep that plastic emotion on your face and bury your real feelings in a journal.  And be sure to lock it away so nobody sees it. Sure, problems may persist and you will never learn how to deal with yours and his feelings, but trust us, your relationship will appear to be all the merrier for it. Over time he will begin to realize you are impenetrable and emotionally made of stone, so he won’t bother expressing himself to you either. Never give away all of your cards and you’ll always have the better and upper hand.  Big win!! #emotionalintelligence

Tip: 3/99
Be your husband’s mother.
Be sure to always tell your husband how to do even the smallest things, like tying his laces. Men are oversized children after all, and you must never forget that you are the mother in this relationship. He will feel demeaned by it and lose all interest in you sexually which is a double bonus for you because the less confidence he has, the easier it will be for you to assert yourself as the boss in this relationship and as far as sex goes, let’s face it, after having kids, sex with your husband is just legalized sex slavery. Once you’re confident he no longer wants to sleep with you, be sure to use that as ammo next time you get in an argument by complaining about the loveless marriage he has created. If he tries to call you on it and sleep with you, brush him aside and tell him you’re still upset. Over time your husband will turn to food and drink, start developing man-boobs and lose all semblance of masculinity with very little chance he will ever attract another woman in his life. Security, YES! #manchild

Tip 4/99
Get them when they are young.
Ladies, if you want to have a properly domesticated man that is most susceptible to all these forms of conditioning, you need to snatch one when he’s young. It’s not hard, of course, you and I both know men are so desperate they will fall for any woman that shows a cintilla of interest in him. You don’t even have to be genuine when you flirt with him, and he’ll fall at your feet begging you to be his. That’s about when you know he’s yours. Give it some time, though, and once he’s giving you flowers and writing his poorly written poems, it’s time to drop hints about marriage. At this point you just need to reel him into your net and secure your little man-puppy for good. He won’t have the communication skills to combat all the manipulation games you play so it’s unlikely he’ll ever be onto you and will lose his ability to think critically before he even gets a chance to develop it. #itsrainiyngmenladies!

Tip: 5/99
Let him crash and burn
in order to keep the illusion that you’re not just playing mind games with him, you will need to let some of his ideas gain your approval. But make sure it’s only the ideas that are terrible and the ones you know will certainly fail and blow up in his face. When these ideas come up be sure to compliment him and encourage him. Your attitude will be so refreshing he’ll feel very empowered and a renewed sense of devotion for you. You get special bonus points if his idea involves the whole family. Once it fails miserably, you’ll also get the kids to realize you’re really the only one that should be making plans for the house and the family. #iamwreckingball #downwiththepatriarchy

 

Tip 6/99
Make him the enemy
Always document your husband’s missteps. By now your journal should have an ample collection to pool from. Share these things with his mom in private. Turning his, parents into allies of yours is critical to severing the ties between him and his family. This ensures he will never leave you. I mean sure, he may become cold, distant and resentful, but there won’t be anything he can actually do about it and you’ll get to have your way with him till he dies. #familyties

Tip 7/99
Beware of compliments!
If he ever gives you a compliment, be careful. That’s likely just him trying to score points to trade in for sex. Don’t fall for it. Not all compliments are equal. You’ll need to be able to discern between them. For instance, imagine if he dared compliment what a great mom you are to the kids. One way to respond to such a heinous remark would be by saying “so is that all you think i’m good at?” Always turn these types of compliments into insults. Allow yourself to be properly injured by them and make him feel bad for saying such things. Its possible your man will become conditioned to never give you another compliment ever again but it also means he will never criticize you either. And let’s face it, you don’t need your man’s approval to feel validated. He’s the one that should be seeking validation from you. An occasional sandwich to reward him for a job well done will be sufficient to keep him going. Oh and remember you can buy sandwiches in bulk at costco. Savings baby!! #thriftymomsrock

Tip 8/99
Beware of gifts.
Gifts are similar to compliments. He should never give you something you didn’t ask for. Chances are he’s only getting it for himself anyway, And even if it’s genuinely something he thought you might like, this is a good opportunity to remind him not to waste money on unnecessary things. YOU carry the purse string in this house! Return the gift and get a cash refund instead. You must always get the gifts you want by taking him out shopping and picking out all the things you want while having him pay for it during checkout. Over time he will know not to initiate gift giving. This way you will never feel like you owe him anything either. In the end it’s always best for your man to feel like he owes you something, not the other way around. Over time he may just give up entirely and just let you have the credit card. Bonus!! #shoppingspree

Tip 9/99
Why life insurance shows you care
The first line item on your bucket list should be to convince your husband to get life insurance and make you and the children the primary benefactors. If you follow all the aforementioned tips he will definitely live a short life and you need to make sure that in addition to his retirement checks, you collect big time upon his burial. You’ll need the money anyway to take your kids to disney world after he dies in order to get their minds off of him. #seizetheday #healthydistractions

 

These are only a small sample from our new book “99 tips – A feminists’ guide to a successful marriage”. For other tips, such as “acts of service may be more than they appear” “leveraging the CPA” “establishing trust through GPS” or “distinguishing between affection and sexual abuse” buy our book on amazon. Subscribe to this blog so you’re the first to know when it’s released.

We guarantee that if you follow up to 25 of these tips, you will make your husband’s life so miserable, he will choose to stay at work as long as he possibly can so as to avoid ever interacting with you. By forcing him to escape into his work he will make you a ton of money. This is also a great opportunity to complain about how little time he spends with the family and make him feel guilty as hell. Oh and guess what, when he dies from an early heart attack, you get to collect all of his retirement checks and his life insurance. We’re in the money baby!! #winning!

 

You’re welcome.

Mrs. feminist.


Written by soliloquiesonlove.wordpress.com © 2017

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